Day 13 : Tuesday 9th May

I had a vivid nightmare about having to inject myself in the stomach. Sleep has not been kind to me.

Neither has the dog, squeezing a toy outside the bedroom at 5:30.

So, I’ve been trying to wind myself down. I know other women can do it so, logically, I can do it too. I know it isn’t going to be half as painful as giving birth. I know it is a means to an end. My problem is with the initial stab, actually penetrating the skin. In my dream a very strict nurse was waiting for me to do it and I was acting like a child, crying and throwing my arms about, whining about it in the hope it wouldn’t have to happen. I know that is not how I want to behave! It is important to me to prepare for this but I’m not really sure how I can.

I asked the forum for advice. I specifically asked for mental support, like mantras or ways of thinking, rather than actual techniques. There were some very useful responses with people mostly saying it wasn’t that bad. Two people said they laughed after the first time because it was so different to what they were expecting. 

I have spent my whole life avoiding pain so it is very difficult to have to inflict it upon myself willingly. I think I’m going to have to change my mindset. OH said they’d have to watch the needle, see and understand what is causing the pain to be able to cope with it. This has changed my thoughts on it, I have to accept it will happen and take it, knowing it is just for that short period of time. The pain will not last.

Today my leg is very achy. It started last week after the training day of sitting around and hasn’t really gone away. Today it does seem worse but I was given a rather large coffee which I shouldn’t have drunk all of. The caffeine is doing my head in! If it still hurts tomorrow I’ll see the school nurse. I don’t want to be a hypochondriac shouting DVT but it is better to speak to a professional. 

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