Day 14 : Wednesday 10th May

Sleep, again, is not my friend. It isn’t so much not being able to sleep, it is when I’m woken up (thanks dog and fox for the barking battle) my mind switches on and won’t turn off. I’m trying all the meditation tips from Calm and Headspace but it isn’t happening.

Last night OH said I’d lost weight and, after an internal “yippee”, I inspected myself in front of the mirror. It was the end of the day when my stomach seems to swell so I think all the weight has gone from my boobies. Great. The tenderness is getting much stronger too! Hugging is becoming an issue so I sat on OHs lap for much of yesterday evening so I could get a cuddle from behind.

I weighed myself this morning when the stomach is (ahem) flat(ter) and I’ve lost 4lb! Wooop! Maybe I am drinking too much… 

Last night I also got OH to massage muscle rub onto my achy leg and it feels better this morning. They think it is muscle strain from riding my bike to the station. Surely I would have had that earlier though? Why would it coincide with starting the hormones?

When lying awake 20mins before my alarm I remembered a chapter of Gillian Anderson’s book WE (which I have yet to finish) which suggests listing things you are greatful for. After listing OH, family, friends, house etc, I realised something I am grateful for is that I have access to IVF at all, and I’m on the NHS when others are not. And my local borough funds 3 rounds where others don’t. Sure I cannot conceive naturally for whatever reasons, but I’m lucky I can at least try this. We’ve been told it has a 30% chance of working, but that is 30% more that I have access to that other people don’t. I am grateful for that. Think my like this also makes the thought of those upcoming injections much easier to bear.

(Later)

Work became quite stressful today. Every year we have an awards ceremony and every year it is live streamed by our students. Every year it is stressful, probably the most stressful time. We have told management before about the amount of stress they are putting on us but nothing changes. Today my boss has refused to to it and said they would have to ask me. I can’t, I have a counselling appointment at the hospital and I’m not going to miss it. My personal life and what I’m going through is so much more important than an awards ceremony. Anyway the stress today made my chest hurt, I became breathless. I thought, if it gets too stressful I can just get signed off. Many women on the forum did. I need to put me first at the moment and I need to shield myself from stress. 

I tried to use my Calm app to slow my breathing but I cannot control my thoughts well enough. They kept projecting conversations and imagining arguments and confrontation with different people at work. This can actually be dangerous for me so I need to stop and think about myself.  I’ve got my first scan tomorrow morning so I need to concentrate on that. 

(Later) 

So, to wind down I took my dog to the forest and he played fetch. It is a lovely evening and I walked off my stress. OHs mum and my best friend checked in and made me happy. So much more to be grateful for! Face pack, PJs and TV with a herbal tea. I can do this!

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