Wednesday 27th September : lead up to embryo transfer

I checked over Facebook at work and saw a post from a friend which needs digesting so I’m going to write about it all here. She was 41 weeks pregnant and previous posts have been pics of how big she was and how ready to see her baby she was.

The post today read that their baby was “born sleeping”. He didn’t survive to birth. This happened on Monday. I just can’t imagine the awful feelings they are experiencing and how sad, disappointed and distraught they must be. To go through the entire journey of pregnancy and then to go home empty handed must be so hard. I keep thinking about scrolling through photos of the pregnancy and feeds on FB about how everyone cannot wait to meet the baby. They are both being really strong, they have put up a picture of their babies feet with their hands forming a heart around them. They are saying he was just too beautiful for this world and that he knew nothing but love and warmth.

It is so hard to think that I would be that strong. I’ve been thinking so much about how I have to be balanced, that the IVF might not work and I have to be prepared for that. In your mind you always have this glimmer of hope that it will. That the losses happen to everyone else. This has shown me that any success is a blessing. We still have to go through transplant, attachment and then the whole pregnancy. The thought that there is still a chance the baby won’t survive the birth has been so far away until now. This makes it all more real. More scary and the emotions more dangerous.

Their loss is so public, everyone they knew saw her pregnant, were waiting for the baby. Because of this now everyone needs to know what has happened. Everyone will see them grieve. My heart goes out to them, as so many others have on social media.

I’m quick to cry on the Suprecur anyway but this has totally worn me out. I saw it earlier today and just had to park my emotional response until I got home 4 hours later. This is why I wanted to get writing the blog, I wanted to grieve too, I wanted to sort out my thoughts and feelings so I could cry (more like blub). Controlled emotional release.

I just feel sad for them and a bit scared for myself. I just hope that if anything like this does happen to us, I can have the strength and dignity my poor friends have shown.

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